I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
