My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Let's paint friendship bongs
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
