you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
