remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
