I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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