They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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