I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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