3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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