seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
