when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You are the jesus of drinking
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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