Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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