so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
