Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
