Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
