Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
