Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
