Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
