Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
