Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize