I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
