I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
