So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
