Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
