why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
