So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
