I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
you would pick up someone in the library
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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