Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize