This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
