So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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