There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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