She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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