White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
