i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
