When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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