Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Randomize
