4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
