Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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