Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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