today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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