cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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