I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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