you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize