I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Actions speak louder than pants.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
