Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
