i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Everything about him screamed your future.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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