Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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