who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
