My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
