You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i drank out of a bidet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
