3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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