I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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