i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He felt like a one man threesome
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
