I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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