Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I see more hoeing in ur future
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
