Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
